It Starts at Home

A mentor of mine once told me...."Leaders lead".  It was in response to a question I asked him about how I should act in a certain situation.  The reason that it has stuck with me for all these years, is that I use it to set my compass when I am considering how to act, or react to a situation.

Often times, when we think of leadership, we frame it in regards to work, or sports, or politics or war.  Very rarely do we look to the place that leadership is most needed......the family.  For this blog I want to dig into Colossians Chapter 3 to get some insight on how we can learn to lead where it matter most....at home.

This book of the Bible was written by Paul to the Colossians.  Unlike many of his letters, Paul had never had a chance to visit the people to whom he wrote.  That did not stop him from delivering his views on how to live a Godly life.  In the 5th verse we get our first piece of advice on how to prepare yourself to be a good leader...."Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire and covetousness, which is idolatry."  Think of all the times throughout history that one of the above mentioned vices brought down the leaders of this world, and of families that you may know.  Paul goes on to say...."put away anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.  Do not lie to one another..." Look at your leadership in your home.  How often do one of these reactions cause untold damage in your family?  As a leader of a family, you are responsible to set the stage for what the expectation for behavior is.  If you act in the above fashion, what are you setting as the standard for the rest of the people living under your roof.

Paul does give some advice on how to act...."Put on...compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience......forgiving each other as the Lord forgave you."  There is no place as a leader to hold a grudge.  Once a wrong is forgiven in your household, your job is to insure that it is never again held against the person.  People can not grow when they are constantly being reminded of past transgressions.  Where is there desire to take risk, be honest, or make a bold move, if they feel that their failure will always be lauded over them?  Paul stresses the need for you to "put on love" as you live.... If you love your family, before you react to them, you will have the attitude necessary to lead.

I am now going to give my opinion on one of the most hotly contended passages in the Bible.  It is Paul's advice on Rules for a Christian Household.  It begins by Paul telling wives to "submit" to your husbands.  This does not mean that Paul wants wives to become slaves to whatever the husband demands, or to not have a say in decisions in the home.  He makes sure to put in there "as fitting to the Lord" which means that a wife should not follow a husband that is not leading the family in a Godly way.

Paul follows that up by telling husbands to love their wives and not be harsh with them.  If a husband truly loves his wife, then there will be a respect and attention that will always honor her opinion and seek her guidance for important decisions.  These two commands speak to what all men and women want.  By telling the wife to submit to her husband, he is basically telling her to give him respect, which all men need.  By telling a husband to love his wife, he is telling him to show her the attention and affection that she deserves and needs to feel good about the relationship.

We see the same balance in the next passage where he tells children to obey their parents, but reminds fathers not to provoke their children.  This again speaks toward an understanding that if the leader of the household does his job in a Godly manner, then things will be as they should.  However, if the husband does not love his wife, lead in the way of the lord, or provokes the children, then the order of the family will be shaken and there will not be a strong team.  One quick note, it tells children to obey their PARENTS but speaks to the FATHER as the one who needs to be careful not to provoke the children.  To me, this implies that it is the Father's job, as the leader, to take responsibility for the follow through on the discipline in the household.

The rest of the chapter discusses how these same principles should be followed by slaves to their masters.  In current times, this can be taken as how we should act at work toward our superiors.  The key direction that is given in these verses is "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward.  How does that change your outlook on you as an employee?  The next time you are struggling with having to do something you detest, remember that the Lord is watching....the very same person who sent his Son to die on a cross for every sin that has ever been committed.....maybe you can reach down and give a little more next time.....

Colossians 3 has a lot of good direction on how to ready yourself for leadership......how to set your family up for success...and how to insure that you are an employee that will make your Lord proud.  The next time that you have the opportunity to step into any of these situations and take on any of these roles, remember:  prepare yourself as Paul instructs, Lead as Paul directs, and work as the Lord desires....

If you align yourself to these teachings, you should find that you will have a much better chance of success.

We get by with a little help from our friends

The last couple of blogs have been focused around stress and anxiety and how we can use the word of God to help us through it. Today I thought we could look at our role in helping those around us deal with stress... before we discuss how to help people who we see that are stressed, let's first ask the question "How much of the stress do I cause.". The easiest way to help people with their stress is not to be the cause of it.

 Be consistent in your interactions with people. It is very stressful when someone you know is not sure how you will react to news. If you are not consistent, you run the risk of people avoiding you because they are unsure of what they will get. People are far less worried about delivering hard news if they know how you will likely react.
 Keep your frustration focused on actions not people. When people feel attacked, or think they may get attacked, it raises their stress level. It may even cause them to "water down" messages to keep from getting verbally attacked.
 Assuming that you are not the cause of the stress, how can you help people through it?

 1. When you see people stressed, help them focus on what they are having success on.

 Proverbs 12:25 says,"Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.". One of the easiest ways to help people feel more relieved is to call out the good things they are doing, and keep them focused on the positive. If people can feel like they are making progress that is being noticed, then they will feel less stress.

 2. Lend words of encouragement

Isaiah 35:4, "Say to those with an anxious heart 'be strong;fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, he will come and save you." Those words of reminder and encouragement, that God is there to help them may be all that they need to reach out in prayer and get the peace they need. Many times people just need to know they are no alone, and that they have someone to turn to for support.

 3. Suggest prayer, or pray for them

In Romans 8:26 it reminds us that the Spirit will help us in our weakness, even if we don't know what to pray for, the Spirit will intercede for us. So even if someone is unsure of what the cause of their stress and anxiety may be, just praying for help will make a difference. How comforting would it be to know that someone is praying for the Holy Spirit to intercede in a stressful situation for you?

 4. Roll up your sleeves and help out

 In Galatians 6:2 God tells us to carry each others burdens. God put us on this earth to help each other, and when we can't help, to turn to Him. We are given skills and material things, not only for our enjoyment but also to help those in need. The next time that you see someone who is overwhelmed, figure out how you can contribute. Any load is lighter with two people do the work.

 We have all delt with stress and anxiety and know how overwhelming it can be. As leaders, we need to do our best to help people minimize the amount of time they feel this way. They are less productive, less healthy, less happy and in need of help. So the next time that you sense someone is feeling a tad overwhelmed, see if you can implement any of the above suggestions to lend a helping hand.  It will make make them feel better, it will make you feel better, and it will fulfill God's wishes.

The Secret to Reduced Worry

The United States has the highest level of Obesity, heart disease, stroke and high blood pressure in the civilized world. It is also one of the wealthiest... So on the surface it begs the question, "Does having a lot of "stuff" create health problems?" One could argue that is not far off the truth. The "stuff" itself may not be the cause, but the quest in attaining it might be. Stress, worry and anxiety are often the root causes for the above mentioned health issues, and the quest for "stuff" usually causes the stress.

 I find a few main things tend to cause stress. I'm sure there are many more, but for this blog, I'm sticking to these:
1. When you feel you have more to do than you can ever get done
2. When you feel you are not living up to expectations
3. When you feel responsible for the welfare of others
4. When you feel you won't reach a goal

Before I write about how I use lessons from the Bible to help deal with these issues, I would like to point out that all of the above causes of stress take place when we focus on ourselves and internally judging our performance. The easiest way to avoid stress is to stay focused on doing our best and focusing externally. 

There are five things that I try to do to combat the feelings of stress that creep in when I catch myself focusing in on the above pitfalls.

1.  Do your best and let God take care of the rest:

In 1 Corinthians 10:13 the Bible says, "....God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

My take home point from this is that God will not put something in front of me that I can not handle, however, there are two caveats......First, I will have to give my very best in order to overcome the challenge.  When I feel like I can't make it, I have to trust that I will be able to find a way because.... Second, If I do get in over my head, God will provide a way of escape.  God has my back, but I need to make sure I am giving my all and communicating with Him along the way.  All he wants from me is all that I have.  In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus says, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest...for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  When you have done your best, and need help and rest, go to the Lord.

2. Don't swim upstream

I think the best example here can be taken from the story of Jonah.  He was stressed about going to Ninevah because the city was a terrible place and he was worried for his well being.  He got a direct sign from the Lord that he was supposed to go there, but he chose to go his own way.  In the true sense of swimming upstream, Jonah gets on a boat and sails in the opposite direction of where God wanted him to go.  After a huge storm, getting thrown overboard, getting swallowed by a large fish, and then being spit back up on shore, Jonah decided to do what God wanted him to do initially.  By following the path of the Lord, he was able to save an entire city from destruction, and not get hurt in the process.  The other great example from the Bible are the Isrealites after they were freed from Egypt.  They experience multiple miracles in the process of being freed....they had a cloud to follow in the day and a pillar of fire at night.....they had food delivered daily from Heaven....yet when they were shown the promised land, they were afraid that they would be killed when they entered, and decided to go against the Lord's wishes....what did they get for swimming upstream?  40 more years in the desert.

So the next time that you get frustrated and stressed about the progress you are making, go back to the Bible and see if you are fighting against a Biblical principle.  Pray and listen...often times, if you run into roadblocks everywhere you turn, the Lord is trying to tell you something.  That is why some of the best things that ever happen to you, seem to just "fall into place".

3.  Compete against yourself, not others

Often times stress and anxiety are increased as you try to "keep up with the Jones's".  We drive ourselves crazy trying to get a bigger house, better car, more money, and nicer clothes.  There is a reason that the Lord put in the 10 Commandments:"You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbors".  The "big 10" were made by God to help us live more fulfilled and happier lives.  This commandment is trying to help us eliminate a source of stress in our lives.  When you focus on doing your best, and not judging yourself against others you keep jealousy at bay, keep pride from taking over, and keep greed from driving your behavior.  All of the above things add to anxiety and stress because you are constantly keeping score with those around you.  Focus on what you are supposed to do and let God judge the rest.

4. There is a difference between being the leader of a family and being a family's beneficiary. 

So often we have in our minds all of the things that we need to give our family.  We want them to grow up with all of the things that we never had....unfortunatley they get the THINGS we didn't have and miss the qualities that we do.  We work like crazy to try to give them money for college....we work late and miss games and don't make it home for dinner because we are trying to move up the corporate ladder so we can afford a better life for them.  But what they really need is.....US.  In Proverbs is says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."  All we need to do is to look at the story of the Prodigal Son.  He lived a great life in the household of his father.  He never wanted for anything and had plenty to eat and drink.  When he had become a man, he asked his father to give him the portion of his inheritance now, so that he could go live his own life.  He promptly went out and spent it on fruitless entertainment and wreckless living.  He wound up living in a stall with pigs.  This was a classic case of the father working hard his whole life to provide for his son, and very little of his time preparing his son on how to be a man.  How often could you be accused of doing the same thing?  In Matthew 6:24 Jesus says, "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other...You cannot serve God and money."

5.  Enjoy the moment

Most worry and anxiety comes from looking into the future.  Anyone in my house will tell you that my motto is to "Participate, don't anticipate."  There is a reason that the Lord's prayer says...."give us this day, our daily bread."  It doesn't say...."please provide a fat pension and a huge college fund so I can rest easy".  One of my favorite verses is from Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  Jesus also says, "....I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or drink, nor about your body, what you will put on.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?"  I see examples of people who live their lives for the weekends, or for vacations, or for special events, the problem with that is that your entire life gets compressed to very few moments.  People spend all their time preparing and hardly any time enjoying.  When you focus on the now, stress has a habit of falling away.  In Luke 12:25, Jesus says "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?  If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?"   Great questions isn't it?

2 Timothy 1:7 "God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power, love and self-control."  Follow that spirit and you will find that while your acitivity level will never decline (remember, he wants your best), at least the burden and anxiety that have been your traveling companions will be left behind.  Do your best and let God do the rest.  Don't swim upstream.  Compete against yourself, not others. Understand the difference between leading a family and being a beneficiary. Most importantly, cherish the "now" moments of your life.

Who hears the problems of a leader.....

Is the concept of leadership a verb or a noun? Are people really leaders, or do they go through the actions of leading others? This is a question that is often asked in business books. "Are leaders born or made?" What part does God play in all of this? Is he the force that transforms the actions of leading into the person of Leadership? All leaders will suffer doubt, anxiety, anguish and without God, can they continue to go on in a effective way? The history books are filled with examples of people who had phenomenal leadership skills, and attained success just to see it all slip away, for one reason or another... Even in the Bible, King Solomon, the wisest man on earth failed, once he started straying away from God. His vice, listening to his many wives instead of God. This week I lost a mentor, a coach, and a friend to suicide. He was definately someone who was blessed with many of the skills to lead people. His passion was teaching kids how to wrestle. Wrestling is a tough sport that has no room for excuses. It teaches discipline, accountability, and a work ethic. My coach walked the halls every year recruiting young men to learn these life skills. No one gets cut from the team. If you go through the work, you are always accepted. He would actively recruit kids who were cut from other sports and give them a home on his team. It didn't matter your background, your social class or your affluence, once you hit the mat, you were all equals. I watched hundreds of kids find out how to be men on those teams. People that would surely be in serious trouble were given a venue to channel the energy. Grades improved, because you needed to be eligible to compete, and you worked way too hard to miss that opportunity. Coach was a master at knowing how to reach a young man to get him to dig a little deeper. Wrestlers made amazing personal sacrifices for the good of the team. Not everyone was thrilled with his methods or his tactics, and may have even walked away from the program angry, but somehow most of them found a reason to come back, at some point or another. PRIDE, SACRIFICE, DEDICATION, was the chant at the end of every practice, and by the volume of sweat left behind, everyone meant it. The rule in the room was that you never quit.....no matter what. So how does someone who is able to establish a program, a legacy of hard work, discipline and team work take his own life? Anxiety, depression, hopelessness, defeat. All of these feelings hit us, and "leaders" are the ones who usually help you through it, but who helps the leader? "God gives strength to the weary and gives power to the weak....Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary." -Isiah 40:29-31 Where else can leaders go when they are struggling? In Philippians 4:6-7 Paul says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I know that this is something that I am trying to practice right now, because the loss of my friend and mentor in this manner definately transcends all of my understanding...... Verse 8 from the same chapter says, "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." This is how I choose to remember my friend. I'm just saddened that the leader I knew was not able to find a place to go with his pain, worries and fears. I urge you all, as leaders, to make sure that you practice going to the Lord with your burdens. You can not depend on the people of this earth to be around when you need them, or have the answer to your problems, or give you the peace through true understanding. You can't depend on people to always be on your side and have your best interest in mind, and when they let you down, or are not there for you, and you feel overwhelmed, you won't have the strength that you need. Good-bye Coach, I'll miss you.

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you.....

Remember your first love?  The notes passed in class, the hours on the phone (even though you hated talking on the phone).  All of the dreams, and thoughts, and parts of your day that you couldn't wait to share?

That is how God feels about his relationship with you.  He wants to talk to you , and hear from you.....All of the time!  Yet many times, we "schedule" our time with God when we can fit him into our schedule.  In Psalms 55:16-17, it talks about praying to God in the morning, afternoon, and evening.  This implies that we should communicate with him throughout the day.

An easy way to remember to spend this time with God is to eat your meals with him.  I don't mean just saying grace before you eat.  I'm talking about spending some quality time with God before, during, or after your meal to catch him up on your day.  As a leader, this can be the most important time you spend throughout the day.  In the morning you can talk to him about the big meetings, the things on your calendar that you worry about, the projects you have to handle and the conversations that you have to have.  At the mid point of your day, (while you are probably eating at your desk) you can ask him for the patience to deal with the things that are going wrong, or to help you re-focus on what he wants you to do. At your evening meal, you can thank him for what went well, ask forgiveness for what you handled poorly, and reflect over things that you could have done better.

Once you get used to talking to God (praying) at your meal times, you can add right when you wake up, and right before you go to bed.  The conversations don't need to be long, but if you spend time with God throughout your whole day, you may be surprised how much more clearly you will see things.  Your stress levels will also go down.....I promise.  The more you talk to God, the more you will feel his presence throughout the day.

When you boil prayer down to the basics, it is just a fancy word for talking to God.  the key to any conversation is to start it.  Don't waste time wondering if you are doing it right, as the Nike slogan used to say "Just Do It".  The rest will work itself out.

God wants to be your first love.  Like any other love in your life, he would love to go to dinner with you!

Answered Prayers

During the last blog, I posted about how The Lord's Prayer can be used as a template whenever you are praying to God for something.  The funny thing about praying for something, is that we often-times want an answer back from the Lord.

How often have you felt like Job when he said "I cry to you for help and you do not answer me; I stand, and you only look at me. (Job 30:20)?

I am surprised how often I get an answer to my prayers.  It seems the more I pray, the more I feel I get answers.  It is not always the case however.  Here are some reasons that I think I don't always feel heard:

1. We learn in James 4:3 is that "You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.  So I guess that means if we ask for things selfishly, or in a way that will only be used to satisfy ourselves, we shouldn't be surprised if we don't hear back from God.
2. In Psalms 37 we are told to "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him," Have you ever taken time to consider that the Lord was answering a prayer and you were just too busy to take the call?  I truly believe one of the most powerful tools the Devil has over a leader is the power of distraction.  There are so many things that need to be done in a day....so many meetings.....so many tasks...Have you ever been reminded by a loved one about a conversation that you had with them, that you totally forgot because you were "multi-tasking" when you were talking to them?  How many times have you tried to multi-task God?  Take quiet time EVERY day to listen.
3. In Ecclesiastes 3:11 Solomon states "He has made everything beautiful in its time.  Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."  When I read this verse, I remind myself that God is not my assistant.  I need to remember that I worship him, not the other way around.  Often times, when I don't hear an answer, it is because I have put God on my schedule.  As leaders, we are used to other people getting back to us in a "timely" manner.  However, God's time is different than ours and he will answer your prayer when HE sees fit.  One way to test this is to keep a prayer journal.  Jot down what you pray for every day.  On a weekly basis, review the prayers that you made and check off the ones that were answered.  Continue to revisit the ones that go "un-answered".  I found that over the course of time, most of my prayers were answered. (I'm sure all were answered, I just may have missed a couple, or the answer may have been "no")
4. Finally, learn how to listen.  When I was a boy and read the old testament, I expected God to speak to me like he did to Moses.  That I would hear a booming voice that made my bones shake.  What I have experienced is something much more subtle but no less impactful.  God doesn't need to shout to get his point across.  However, I am always sure when I am supposed to do something.  It is very hard to explain, and it has taken me practice, but I can feel when I am supposed to do something.  I think it stems from responding to something that I felt lead to do, and then seeing the result.  As I continued to act on these "feelings" I noticed that more often than not, it lead to outcomes that I had prayed about.  Bill Hybles wrote a book called "Whispers" that does a great job talking about this topic.  I would recommend reading the book if you are interested.

The whole topic of hearing God's voice is something that is very polarizing.  Some people think that it is crazy to think that an all powerful God would respond to every person in the world who wants to speak with Him.  But if God so loved the world that he gave his only Son for us so that we would not parish but have eternal life, don't you think he would at least take the time to get to know us?  And when it's all said and done, isn't that what prayer is all about?

How to Pray as a Leader

One of the most important things to understand as a leader is that you can't do it alone.  Leaders, of any kind, are faced with hard decisions that impact others.  If you are prudent, you would seek advice and council from others before you make any major decision.  With that in mind, ask yourself: "Do I pray to the Lord about the decisions that I make?"  If the answer is "no", then I would like to submit a couple of things for your consideration.

Throughout history great leaders have asked their heavenly father's advice when they are in need.  George Washington was found on his knees praying when his troops were struggling through the winter at Valley Forge in the Revolutionary War.  There are also prayers published that Abraham Lincoln used to help guide him during the Civil War.

So how do you pray as a leader?  How do you pray a all?  These are questions that I have struggled with, and still do, since I can remember.  Over the next couple of blogs I will give you my thoughts on how I try to pray when I need to make a decision.  In this blog I want to focus on Matthew 6:5-18.  This is where Jesus first introduces the world to the "Lord's Prayer".  This can be used as a template whenever you talk with the Lord.  While it may sound basic, I am going to break down the Lord's Prayer and explain how I use it to guide my prayer, especially when I am asking for something.

Our Father, Who art in heaven - Well this part is pretty easy to expalin.  This just tells me that I need to be conscious of who I am about to pray to.

Hallowed by thy name - I think that this is the part of the prayer that gets overlooked.  We often times forget that we are about to converse with the all powerful God who's name alone should inspire respect.

Thy kingdom come, they will be done, on earth as it is in heaven - This reminds us that whatever our need or our request, we recognize that it is in God's hands.  It is an understanding that I am ok with whatever God decides.

Give us this day our daily bread - This is where Jesus tells us that it is okay to go to the Father to ask for things that we NEED in order to survive.  I interpret "daily bread" as meaning that God does not give us the green light to ask for whatever we desire, but only the things that we need to get through the day.  It also implys that the Lord will not give you answers for the next 3 years, He will provide you with just the right amount of what you need to get you through the day.....and that is enough.

And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors - Jesus tells us that when we pray, we need to be clean with the Lord by asking him to forgive our sins.  There is a second stipulation as well.  We are expected to forgive those around us.  I always think of the story that Jesus tells in Matthew 18:24 about the man who can not afford to pay the debt that he has to his master and so he begs him for mercy.  The master grants the forgiveness of the debt and releases the man.  As the man walks down the street, he meets another man who owes him money.  He brutally demands the repayment of the debt with no mercy for the other man.  When the Master hears of the injustice, he no longer shows the man pity, and has him thrown in jail.  I think that is the same expectation that the Lord has for us.  He is willing to forgive our unpayable debt, but his expectation is that we do the same for others when we get the chance.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil -  This is the safety claus of the prayer.  When I am making a request to God, I always include a portion of the prayer that asks the Lord to use his discresion and not grant my request if it will lead to trouble down the road.  I defer to God's knowledge of what the potential pitfalls of a request may be and use his judgement when listening to my prayer.  Discipline kicks in when I don't get the answer that I want.  It is very hard, in the moment, to not rationalize to get the outcome you want.  But if you don't feel like you have gotten an answer from the Lord, then that very well might be your answer.

I use the Lord's prayer to structure my time with God, especially when I am going to him for a request about a leadership decision that I need to make.  It insures that I am going to him appropriately and in a manner that insures that he is open to my request.  Then I really try to do my best to listen...and wait...
One of the things that I have learned is that the earlier that I go to God with my concerns or needs, the more often I feel like I have a clear answer.  My thoughts have always been that God wants to be part of the entire process, not the "closer" that you call in near the end of the game to bail you out of trouble.

Next time you know you have important decisions that you have to make, or that you have needs that you could use some help in meeting, remember the structure of the Lord's prayer as you go to the Father.  You can even recite it verbatim and just include your specific requests at the appropriate time.

There are many different ways that I like to pray, especially when it comes to trying to be a better leader.  Today I covered how I structure my prayers when I am going to the Lord to ask for something.  I will write about a different type of prayer next time.